Sitting on the floor of my living room facing my laptop with the tv on is not something I do everyday on a daily basis. Usually at this time of the day, I would either be out with my best friend but mostly going out to find my boyfriend. And usually, I would call him up from his sleep but today I sorta decided to do either wise. Not really sure why though. Maybe I do but I'm afraid of letting myself be aware if it. Consciousness. A lot of times in my life I've said, "Ahh, ignorance is bliss" to things I'd rather be let in the dark about. A lot of times I've refused to ask things knowing the answer would scared this crap out of me. A lot of times I've let myself be ignorant to thing I don't wish to know or hear about. A lot of times this has made eluded myself in a bubble where only the things and people (at that moment) I want be in it. A lot of times I've shunned people and things I don't want and necessarily need.
Just last night, I had a meltdown. One to the point I felt embarrassed of myself. Letting myself go to that place where I hated to be. My mother have always thought me to the logical, rational thinker she is. I, over time, have moulded myself into that sort. But deep down inside I was always the free thinker and have allowed my imaginations to run wild. When I was a kid, I used to make computer out of a basket screen and jig-saw puzzle keyboard and even pretended to drive watching my parents from car rides. (I was always good at imitating people and things I see). As I grew older, I think more than I actually do. Always afraid of how others would think of me, afraid that I would make a fool out of myself and the fear of failure has made me into this conflicted person that I am today.
It was Christmas last night and i joined my boyfriend and some of his friends for a little Xmas get together at Chilles. Then I got a phone call from my really close male friend asking me out for a late night mamak session claiming it was the last for another friend of ours who is leaving for the States this Saturday. Exhausted and tired I was, I felt obliged yet running in my mind that I can't stay out late for the fear of my mom having a bad impression of my boyf for bringing me home so late. Then I related the phone call conversation to him and he being the ever supportive boyf he is (who I've not been appreciating much lately) said we could stop by the mamak if I wanted to before suggesting if we wanted to watch a movie with this couple (his friends) later at the same mall we were at.
You see, I was then left conflicted because I had to choose between my own friends and watching movie at 1050pm with my boyf and the couple while making sure I get home early to earn brownie points and so that my boyf could regain my parents' trust and me being exhausted and sleepy didn't help the thinking and decision making process any easier. At one point, my boyf got so annoyed he actually said he gave up on trying to help me decide, basically saying I'm a lost cause la (which I am). I actually felt hurt because he said he gave up on me yet I was conflicted because he is right. So I just kept quiet and scrolled through my Instagram feed, my eyes fixated on the photos of everyone having a good time on Christmas. I was holding back a tear or two and that was what I always did to stop my eyes from welling. Knowing my 'pattern', he quickly (aiyaaa he give up also give up for less than a minute only, he must love me horr haha) started asking me what I was looking at and advised me to do whatever I wanted to and what makes me happy. If I am, then he is too. At times like these, I really do wonder what I did to deserve such a great guy like this. Tolerating my temperamental and mood swing days without even yelling at me. And he himself used to be really really hot tempered and angry before we met. (what he told me lahh)
Then later we left for the mamak session after I finally told him I didn't wanna watch the movie because I was tired and it was THAT easy. I told him I didn't wanna say no at first because I was afraid that he wanted but he said he thought since it was Christmas he thought I wanted to do something special. You see, all these thoughts. I realised we should have just said what we wanted to instead of thinking about what the other want or like. And also, if you haven't noticed, the word "conflicted" popped a dozen times as I writing this. Yup, conflicted is what I am. Always not being able to prioritise and feeling conflicted about pleasing people. I even said something really selfish last night. That I wanted to be alone in this world. How lonely will that be. It was such a dumb thing to say and I'd take back if I could because he asked, "What about me lehh?" Of course, I said, "Okay la, you can come. My parents also can. Oh and a puppy."
xo; Rie.
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